Long Time Coming

I know this is so way overdue. I’ve been pondering the last couple months what I want to do with this blog. I haven’t really had anything to say because everything is going so well. I’ve been so busy with class and work, and there just hasn’t been much else going on. I’ll get into the other struggle in a little bit.

First: I don’t really have much to say as far as my recovery goes. I’m not going to say I’m 100% recovered, but I’m pretty damn close! I pretty much eat what I want, when I want. I no longer have to be careful if I get too hungry, which used to be a huge trigger. That’s when the thoughts would start racing. “Ahh the feeling of hunger. Don’t get rid of it!” “You can hold off just a little bit longer.” “If I just eat a small salad, it’ll at least shut up my stomach.” That’s not an issue anymore. Last week we were in Chicago. Vacation usually means lots of eating out. In the past that sent me into panics. I dreaded vacation for that very reason. I’m not going to say I necessarily enjoyed eating out for a week, but I’m not usually big on eating out anyway – especially not a lot. It’s not that it’s a fear at all! I just feel better – more energetic, etc – when I eat healthier, as most people do. The part that is still a struggle some days is body image. Overall, I feel a million times better than I did even 2 months ago. Working out has definitely helped a lot. I feel myself building muscle and can start to see the small changes. But with summer and swimsuit season, it was a little rough for a bit. The pressure of having a “bikini body” was getting to me a little. But when I took a step back and really thought about it, what is a “bikini body?” As far as I’m concerned it’s a body that wears a bikini. I have a body that is perfectly capable of wearing a swimsuit, so I’m set, right? Some days it really isn’t that easy, but most of the time I’m ok! I think there are very few people that are 100% happy with their body. Everyone has their own insecurities, and I think that’s where I’m at!

Second: This is the part that’s been the biggest struggle for me. I’ve met a lot of new people over the last few months working at Target and classes and other places and even thinking forward to K-State. I have no problem telling people about my past – obviously. It plays a huge role in how I’ve become the person I am now. At the same time, I don’t want my introduction to be “Hi, my name’s Megan, and I had an eating disorder and another mile long list of mental illnesses.” I’ve reached the point that I’m ready to move forward. Some people decide they want to do something with it – share their experiences, write books, become therapists – and that’s fantastic! I definitely think we need people like that. I just don’t think that’s for me. I’m ready to fully be Megan without Ed tagging along behind. I’ve done a really good job of kicking him to the curb, and I have every intention of keeping it that way. That’s why I’ve decided I’ll tell any new friends when I feel the time is right. I have control over when I let people in on that part of me. Not that I’m hiding it! But there is so much more to me than my eating disorder and time in treatment. I want people to know the other parts first. Because of that I took down the posts from before on Facebook. I’ll leave this one up for a little bit, but I’ll take it down, too. I may periodically add another post if I’m feeling it, but I won’t post them on Facebook most likely. Not that I expect anyone is just anxiously awaiting my next post, but this could very well be the last post of my short-lived blog 😛 I think this was more of my way of proving to myself that I wasn’t hiding anything. There are a few parts that I didn’t touch on much, but there a still a few things that are harder to talk about.

I want to say thank you for all of the support that I’ve gotten over the last year – even years – from everyone. It has made this so much easier and is the reason I’m where I’m at right now! Obviously I did the work, but I definitely couldn’t have done it on my own! So with that being said – hello world! Here I come!

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