The Contemplation of Life

I know it’s been awhile since I posted anything, and in my defense I said I was done, but I’ve been thinking lot lately and needed to write about it. I didn’t realize how much this blog – however short-lived it was – helped. I might keep it up! I’m not going to post it to Facebook though, so the only people that will see it are those of you suckers that subscribed! 😉

The last 6 months have been a huge learning experience for me. At times I’ve flat out failed, but I’m figuring it out as I go along. For my Intro to Fiction Writing class we had to write a one page paper telling him who we were. As I struggled through writing that I realized I still am not really sure. I’m figuring out what I do and don’t like to do, how I can best keep myself organized, and how to keep on top of my meals, but there’s still so much I haven’t figured out. I’m not going to lie, last semester was good, but rough at the same time. Being a transfer is hard – especially for someone who is on the quiet side. On top of that, because of my job, I’m not in town when the clubs and groups I wanted to be a part of meet. Therefore, I spent most of first semester flying solo. While that works for me for a while, it gets hard. I got stuck in a cycle. I didn’t really know anyone, so I stayed home and watched Netflix, and snacked, but because I was home, I didn’t meet anyone. See the fun cycle? After a while I just didn’t care. I started overeating, but I could control it, I just didn’t care. It wasn’t like previous binge episodes where I couldn’t stop, but it was still a coping skill – and a bad one at that. Consequently, I gained weight. Then I really didn’t want to do anything, so I stayed home and watched Netflix. (Side note: if you want any good shows, I’m your girl!)

This semester I decided something needed to change. I started working out (it was that or buy new clothes, and my bank account really didn’t like that plan) and already feel ten times better! I’ve also worked really hard at eating healthier foods – not snacking as much. And this crazy thing happened! I started going to church again. Something is missing from my life, and I felt like that might have something to do with it. My faith is something that’s been a huge struggle for me. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but trust doesn’t come easy to me. And trusting something that isn’t concrete (which I know that point could be argued), is even harder. I think back to my past or stories of people I’ve met and wonder how someone who supposedly loves us unconditionally could put us through that. It’s a constant battle in my head. I know that I’ve become a much stronger person because of everything, but does that mean I needed to go through all of that? But then I think about how now I have a story to share. I like to think that there is still something in store for me. I just haven’t figured it out. I have to have faith that I’ll be put to good use!

This semester my biggest challenge is going to be my writing class. Don’t get me wrong – I’m excited about it. I do like writing. I may not be the world’s best writer, but I like to think I don’t totally suck! There are a lot of things about that class that are going to push me. A big part of our grade is participation. Anyone that knows me knows that I’m overall a quiet person. I was thinking about that and realized a couple of things. Yes, I’m naturally quiet and a lot of it is because of my personality. Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I don’t have something to say. I just prefer to observe what goes on around me. I learn best that way. Teachers often think I’m not paying attention, which is not true! I always am, and you’d be amazed the things I pick up on – not only on the class, but the people in the class. The other part of my quietness comes from life experience. The thing with eating disorders is they make you push everyone away. It really is just you, and that’s what I got used to. Being quiet and keeping to myself is comfortable to me. My point to all of this is that being graded on participation sucks a lot for me! I totally understand why that’s how it is! Something I might say could spark something in someone else’s mind, etc., and it does keep everyone involved. It’s his class, so he has the power to do whatever he chooses, and I will definitely respect that! But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Especially when I don’t know people very well, having to talk in class stresses me out big time! A little stress is good though, right? It keeps you on your toes!

The second part to my writing class challenge is that it’s bringing out the perfectionist in me. That’s something
I’ve been able to keep in check, but for whatever reason, it’s coming out full steam ahead – but only in this class. The only thing I can figure out is this: it’s not comfortable to me yet. I write, but I write about myself and for myself. It’s completely different. As I think back to other new things, I realize that at first my perfectionism is out of control. The same thing happened in Public Speaking last semester. I spent countless hours working on my first speech (which was only a quick 2 minute introduction to a speech). After I did the first one, the rest were a breeze – more or less. I still didn’t enjoy public speaking, but I didn’t kill myself getting that perfect speech. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to do anything with the expectation of getting it 100% right on the first try. You’re bound to completely fail. Guess where I’m at right now! I have a short story due Friday, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve started five different stories, but none of them are “right.” Consequently, I’m stuck, and the countdown has begun.

The last part to my writing class challenge took me awhile to figure out. I’ve always been kind of self-conscious about my writing, so a class solely based on my writing has left me in a constant state of anxiety. I’ve never felt like I’m a great writer, but I have been told differently. Every time I say that, my dad reminds me about the badass letter I wrote to the Kansas government about why this certain grass should become the state grass. (I don’t even remember what kind of grass it was. Clearly I really couldn’t have cared less, but it was a 100 point grade in my biology class.) I bet you didn’t know letters about grass could be badass, but you didn’t read mine! He read it and thought I stole it from somewhere because of how well written it was. I know I don’t totally suck. I mean I always did well on essays, but I hated the days in class where we had to do peer editing. I didn’t want anyone to read what I wrote. One might question why I started this blog in the first place then. Or why the hell I enrolled in this class that isn’t required at all. I’m a Hospitality Management major. They don’t care if I can write a story. But I like to write. I might not be great, but I’ll get better. Besides, writing a book is on my bucket list! 🙂

Long story short, this class is going to be good for me in so many ways. I thought about dropping it, but I’m not a quitter. A push will be good for me. Being pushed outside your comfort zone is the only way you can grow. I think it’s exactly what I need right now. I’ve gotten comfortable, and, because of that, I’ve taken a few steps back. Time to plow forward again!

Another thing I confirmed about myself is that I like plans. I like knowing exactly what I’m doing and when. That’s not to say I don’t like spontaneity because I think it has its place. I don’t care if someone calls me up and says, “hey, let’s go get ice cream!” Yeah, that’s totally fine! I mean who’s going to turn down ice cream?? What I’m talking about are big plans. What am I doing next year? Where am I going to be this summer? What am I doing when I graduate? I thought I had it all figured out, but now I’m not so sure. Shock of all shocks – I don’t have all the answers! Crazy, I know! I know I still want to do event planning – at least I think. I also thought I wanted to do non-profits, but now I’m not sure. Wedding planning has been on my mind a lot lately. Which path I choose will make a difference as to which classes I should take. Then there’s the fact that I don’t know if I’m studying abroad next semester. That, also, makes a huge difference as to what I enroll in. If I don’t study abroad, I can graduate in a year and a half. If I do study abroad, I have another two and a half years. So once again, what I take hugely depends on what I’m doing.

I was talking to my mom last week, and I said something about how I think too much. Her response, of course, was laughter. It is so true. I think way too much! Going to back to how I like plans, when I don’t have one I think even more. I incessantly make pros and cons lists in my head. I’ll admit, it’s not one of my most attractive qualities, but it is what it is. In case you all didn’t know, thinking hurts your brain and really wears you out. Thus, going back to my writing class, getting any creative juices flowing has been the definition of a struggle.

As I go back through and read this, I realize I sound really whiny! I don’t intend to! I like to think it sounds more contemplative 😛 I’ve felt off lately, and it just took me awhile to figure out what was up. I guess this is what it sounds like in my head. Aren’t you glad you aren’t there?! It’s exhausting! 🙂 I know some of it probably makes no sense, but it sometimes it doesn’t in my head either. This weekend I have nothing to do, so I think I’ll take the opportunity to chill out and get myself together, so I can get back on track. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m only Megan. I’m not God. I’m not going to be perfect, and I’m sure not going to have all of the answers. That’s perfectly ok. Until next time!

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