First of all, I just want to thank all y’all for your support! Reading everyone’s comments is so encouraging! Also, can we just take a second and appreciate this weather! It’s amazing! Earlier I was driving to church with my windows down and my music up. Now I’m sitting out on my balcony, listening to music, people watching and writing this, while munching on grapes. (I’ve gotten into some of the older country – although let me clarify. By “older country” what I really mean is early 90s – a little Garth and Dixie Chicks. I haven’t made it all the way back to Hank, Waylon or George Jones. But I’m slowly getting there. Early 90s I wasn’t even born yet, or I was reeeeeally young, so to me that’s old 😛 I did, however, just stumble across “cowpunk.” Country and punk crossed together….can’t say I recommend it, but food for thought……..) Perfect day as far as I’m concerned! I love seeing everyone out walking in the park or riding their bikes with their kids. You just can’t help but smile! I’m trying not to get too used to it. We do still live in Kansas after all. It’ll probably snow tomorrow….
I started writing this earlier this week, and it was completely different. I can always tell what kind of mood I was in when writing in here based on the tone of the post. I went through and deleted most of what I’d already written because it’s so different right now. Today, and the last few days actually, life has been really good! Everything I was stressed out about is slowly working itself out. I feel like my life is starting to get a little more together again, which for someone who really enjoys having things planned out, is a fabulous thing!
I’ll be honest – last week was horrible (well not this past week, but the one before). I considered it a good day if I ate even just a fraction of my meal plan because I didn’t want to eat any of it. I was proud of myself when I ate more than a yogurt before dinner. I let myself believe it was all I could handle right then, and that I was doing well. I could’ve been doing worse, right? However, I realized doing that would keep me relapsed longer, and that it was really just an excuse to not eat. I’m perfectly capable of eating a full breakfast, lunch and dinner, as well as snacks in between. In fact, more than that, it’s necessary. I started eating full meals, and then added in my snacks again as I got hungry. Here we are a week later and completing my entire “meal plan.” I use the term meal plan loosely. I do better eating intuitively. Let’s use chips as an example. I’m not much of a chip eater. I much prefer sweet to salty. However, occasionally some Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips sound fantastic! If I follow my meal plan exactly how I’m supposed to, I can’t have a bag of chips at lunch because it would exceed the number of grains and fats I’m supposed to have if I had a sandwich with it (although calling a chip a grain is a bit of a stretch….haha). That was one thing that was really frustrating for me in treatment. Like I said, it’s not often that I want chips, so when I do, I want them! I talked to my dietitian about it one time, and she said I could have them for a snack instead. That’s just not the same as having them with a PB&J – your classic elementary school lunch! Anyway, I found that I got a bit too strict when I was following a written out meal plan. I got a little obsessive about having the exact amount of what I was supposed to – no more, no less. Some days you’re just hungrier than others, but when I was following my meal plan, I didn’t feel like I could account for that. That really isn’t a whole lot different than being in my eating disorder because the mentality was very similar – rules around food. I figure that as long as I trust myself, I can eat intuitively. When I feel myself slipping, I rely on my meal plan a little bit more as a baseline just so I make sure I’m eating enough. But as soon as I get my confidence back, I ditch the meal plan, and I’m good to go! That’s where I’m at now! J I can’t get too confident just yet. But I had my hiccup, and now I’m back on track and moving forward again. That’s part of recovery. I always thought I would be the exception, that I’d have that perfect recovery (oh the irony), but I’m not. There will be ups and downs, and I can’t get hung up on the downs. While there’s that part of me that liked the hungry feeling, there’s a much larger part that knows what that would mean if I chose to follow it. This time the logical part of me outsmarts the ED part of me.
On a total other note – I started watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix!! Football and Texas….what more could a girl want?! I don’t know if y’all have seen it, but I would highly recommend! It’s really making me want to move down to Texas even more! (Also, I just went back through and read this. I don’t even realize how often I say y’all until it’s written down. Texas here I come! :P)
I think that’s enough for today. Mainly because I don’t know what else to say, and our pizza is on the way! Priorities 🙂 I hope y’all have a good week, and that you enjoyed my chip rant!