Breaking Down Walls

I’m giving y’all a fair warning now. This is probably going to be all over the place, but here goes nothing!

We’ll start on a more serious note. I don’t intend to tell you all about my therapy sessions, and what we talk about because that’s just not any of y’all’s business – which I say with the utmost respect!  (I would also like to point out that “y’all’s” is a word according to spell check, so that kind of just made my day! No red squiggly line!) But I’ll talk about some of it because that obviously has a lot to do with my recovery. A few weeks ago we tried to talk about body image. That’s not something I like talking about, especially with someone I don’t really know, and that was only my second session with her. But what we found was that a lot of the stuff that’s easier to talk about I’ve already worked through, so I don’t really have a choice. I know what my triggers are. I’ve come to terms with and have forgiven things in my past. That’s what happens when you’ve been in therapy for 3 years – you get the basics taken care of. Eventually you get to the point that you have to talk about the super uncomfortable things that make you want to curl up in a ball and cry. Who would’ve thought I’ve done the easy part? What do we have to tackle? Well I’m sure the list is longer, but the major things are my omnipresent wall and body image. Out of those two awful things, the lesser of two evils to talk about is my wall and how I’m really good at pushing people away. If that gives you any idea as to how much I absolutely can’t stand talking about body image! I’m sure I’ll get to that point in a few weeks.

When I was in treatment we had to figure out what our values were. In the last year or so they’ve changed some, but still one of the ones that is consistently on the top is trust. I’ve been screwed over, used, ignored and hurt. Who hasn’t? However, my personality is such that I don’t bounce back from that easily. I feel deeply. I don’t like admitting that because it makes me seem like a wuss or a stereotypical girl, even though I know I’m not. I just have a big heart. I would also rather have a few really close friends than a bunch of friends. That’s just the way I am, so for me to let someone into one of those close friends spots is a big deal. I have to know that I can 100% trust them, which is why trust is so huge. I’ve also been hurt by some close friends, so that’s always in the back of my mind. That’s not to say I haven’t forgiven them for everything because 1) we were young girls – besides there are bigger issues than who you’re going to Homecoming with and 2) I know I’m also at fault for things that happened. However, that doesn’t mean I’ve totally forgotten. I know I’m a guarded person. I can’t get hurt if I don’t let anyone in, right? The downside to that is that I don’t have anyone in, if that makes sense! My family has never been big on sharing feelings. Everything is pretty topical/surface level. That’s comfortable to me, as weird as that sounds. I’m a pretty deep person, but having to bare my soul out loud makes me so uncomfortable on so many levels. The problem is that, to an extent, it’s a necessary part in relationships that have any sort of meaning. I was just never really taught how to do that. I know this sounds like I’m bashing on my family, and I’m not. Every family is at least kind of screwed up. That’s just kind of how it goes, and that’s our downfall. My point to this long paragraph that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere is that the concern is that I can handle my recovery really well on my own at this point, but what happens with other, new people are thrown into the mix? I’m still a bit uncomfortable eating around people I don’t know very well or that don’t know my story. At this point because of clashing schedules and distance, the strong friend group I had coming out of treatment and to K-State is kind of not so strong, so she’s wanting me to expand my horizons. It didn’t take her long to figure out that I was reeeeeallly hesitant about that because of trust and the wall I’ve built. So this’ll be fun! 😛

On a more fun note it’s that time of the year again! Baseball season and the Royals are kicking some serious butt! We don’t have cable, so I’m not able to watch the games, but I check the score quite frequently, and have plenty of sports lovers in my classes that like to talk about the plays! The K-State campus is usually full of purple people running around, but I’ve seen an awful lot of blue lately, and it makes me so happy! My dad and I are going to a game next weekend (hopefully!)! Royals vs. A’s where my boy, Billy, went 😦 He may not have been the best player on the team, but you couldn’t help but love him! At least I couldn’t….and my whole family knows it 🙂

On another fun note I’ve spent way too many hours watching My Fair Wedding on Netflix. I don’t know how many of y’all know the show, but David Tuterra, basically my hero, meets these brides that are just a couple of weeks away from their wedding and helps them turn it around. Usually they are an absolute mess with themes all over the place, and he comes in and makes it amazing! Clearly I need another hobby, but also if I can sit and watch wedding shows for hours on end with no shame, I think I might be heading into the right profession. Not to mention the fact that I’ve found myself back on Pinterest, and my wedding is looking fabulous! I’ve got it all figured out! The only thing I need? The guy….but hey, details! 😛

Well I’m off to bed because I have Zumba in the morning!! I hope y’all have a great weekend!

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