One of these days when I say I’m done posting, I actually will be….but for the time being, here we go again!
Today is a big day; it marks two years of recovery. Real, true, beat you to the ground, ass-kickin’ recovery. On October 8, 2013, I was sitting in an office in Denver being admitted to ERC. October 8, 2015, I’m lying on the floor in my room huddled over my phone taking some time for myself, watching the Royals! Which is making me a bit nervous actually….but anyway, I’m not sure where this post is going to go, so we’ll just have to see where my fingers take me!
For a while I wouldn’t let myself even think about my time in treatment. It could probably be argued I was trying to repress the memories. I still cringe when someone mentions Denver or even Colorado – not usually super noticeable, but I’ve gotten questions. Nothing like avoiding the whole state to the west of us!
But lately I’ve been thinking more and more about my time in treatment. I can picture myself sitting at the Level 3 table with friends, (sort of) enjoying lunch. I can picture sitting in the fireplace room journaling. Or sitting in the fifth seat from the right in group, because heaven forbid I mix it up and sit in the fourth! I can picture being in art group and having absolutely no idea what to do because I suck at art! Or being in the van on our weekend outing to Target, having our bags checked to make sure we didn’t buy anything against the rules. I can picture exactly where I was sitting where I had meat for the first time in 5 years. Or where I was sitting, panicking afterwards. I can picture the walk over to Starbucks. Or sitting in Subway having lunch by myself on pass. I can picture where I sitting the first time I ever heard I was beautiful. Or where I was sitting the first time I said to myself that I was beautiful. And I can picture where I was when I started believing it.
I know I say this a lot, but I look back, and it really is amazing how far I’ve come in the last two years. Earlier today, I went back through and reread all of my old posts and journals from treatment. I haven’t let anyone read my recovery journal, but there was one thing that stood out to me a lot.
“I figured this ED life was the one I was meant to live. It’s what I deserved….That’s all I amounted to.”
I remember exactly where I was when I wrote that. I thought about it for a long time before I wrote it because writing it down made it seem official, like it’s what I really thought. I hated that it was what I thought, but I fully believed it. Now, not all of my journals were that dark and depressing, but most of them were. To go from that to the crazy, healthy life I’m living now is truly a blessing.
It’s also crazy how many people read this random blog! I’ll be out and about and see someone that says they read it every time. I just want to say thank you! It might not seem like a big deal, but it really does mean a lot to me!
Quick update on life: Things have been insane these last couple months, but good insane. The kind of insane I wouldn’t have been able to handle before. Between working stupid early mornings, volunteering with the USO in Ft. Riley, weddings, classes and any hope of a social life, I’m a bit sleep deprived. I’ve never been one to take naps, but I’ve had my share of completely unintentional naps these last few weeks! I’ve loved the weddings, but I’m excited for wedding season to be over so I can have a weekend of nothing to do!! However, once wedding season is over, I’ve got another project in mind, but more details to follow….
Something else that has gotten a lot of attention lately is my love life – or lack thereof! 😛 It’s not something I talk about at all on here, mainly because I know my parents read this, and that just seems weird to me! But it’s all part of recovery, so here we go!
Seriously, it seems like a lot of family events lately result in being told I need a boyfriend/some hint at the fact that I’m single or an attempt to set me up with someone (talk about awkward….). One of the guys at work said that he bets I have all the guys lined up waiting. I couldn’t contain the laughter and said, “No, I’m literally as single as a dollar bill!” It was more supposed to be funny, but it got me thinking later. I understand that I’m young and in college and you’re supposed to date and have fun! People think it’s so weird that I’ve not been in a relationship, but let’s take a look at my life. For years, I was sick. I pushed everyone away that got too close and might figure out my secret. Then I got so sick, I just wasn’t pleasant to be around. Then my priority needed to be myself and my health. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve even been remotely ready to handle a relationship. I quickly realized last fall that I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was and put it on the back burner again.
So basically, here’s what I’ve decided! This is the year of Megan. The year for me to do the things I’ve wanted to but have been afraid to. The year for me to push myself in ways I maybe haven’t yet. The year for me to continue embracing my independence, but also the year for me not to run and hide at the possibility of a relationship (but also to not settle for the first guy that walks by – I do have (realistic) expectations!). The year for me to make a difference (more to come!!) The year for me to become even more confident. The year for me to continue becoming the beautiful, strong, grown-ass, independent woman I know I am/can be.
I can sit here and say I’m done posting, but we all know I’m really not! So until next time….