“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.” – Hilary Stanton Zunin
I don’t normally talk about my personal life much in here…..well let me rephrase that. Parts of my personal life. My love life is typically off limits. However, the last couple weeks/months have been so important to, not only me, but my recovery. It’s been awhile since I last posted, so here goes nothing!
I’ve always been a firm believer that people are brought into your life for a reason – either a lesson or a blessing. (Of course it can be a combination of both, but, overall, looking at the people that have come and gone through my life, they were one or the other.) Some people are meant to place an everlasting print on your heart and others are here for a fleeting moment. Regardless of the reason, it’s not something to take for granted.
A couple months ago I met this guy (normally I warn people if I’m going to be writing about them, but this time I’m not. So sorry if you’re reading this – it’s good things, I promise haha). For all intents and purposes, we are completely different people. He loves bacon; I think that shit’s nasty. He doesn’t see the necessity of throw pillows; my bed is covered in them. He’s lived a difficult life; I’m a sheltered KS girl. There’s no reason we should work, but we do. He knows how to challenge me and my thinking. He pushes me to open up more about things because I know I can trust him with whatever I say. I’m great at having a guard up because I don’t need anyone. And I still don’t. I never needed him. Not at all. That’s why our relationship was so real. It was built on a mutual respect.
However, sometimes love f***ing sucks, and things don’t work out. The fact that we are completely different people proved to be our demise. Our lives are going in two, completely opposite directions. While we both may have wanted it to work so badly, there was no future. Neither of us would’ve been happy because sometimes love isn’t enough. The sacrifices one of us would’ve have to make would have led to resentment in the end. I’m not willing to follow him around the world, and he’s not willing to settle down yet. And that’s fine. The hundreds of tears I’ve shed the last few days may give a different impression, but I have nothing but respect and admiration for the life he’s choosing because I sure as hell couldn’t do it. It’s what he wants to do, and I’m happy for him.
Ok, enough gushing! The real point to this. I put off a relationship for so long because I was scared to death what it would do to my recovery. I said I wanted to focus on myself, blah blah blah, but, in reality, I couldn’t imagine putting myself out there. What if I gave my heart to the wrong person, and I took steps backwards in my recovery? I couldn’t afford to do that. I’ve worked too hard to get where I’m at. I didn’t even think about the great things that would come from it.
I’m not even going to lie the last couple of weeks have been difficult but in the best way possible. We’d been friends for a couple months and got really close really fast. But the closer we got, the more we realized our lives don’t match up. I’d known it for weeks but couldn’t get myself to admit it. Taking all that out, what I gained from this is not something I’d trade for the world.
- I got a hell of a best friend. So we didn’t work out together. That’s fine. He’ll always have a place in my heart and vice versa. For the meantime, we figure out how to remain friends because I can’t imagine him not being in my life. Not for a second.
- I’m stronger than I think. With how much the last couple of months have had me out of my comfort zone, my recovery didn’t falter. I stayed on track. So maybe I ate Swedish fish for lunch a few days, but there was no ED behavior attached to it. I was just lazy and hadn’t gone to the store. My first instinct when I feel uncomfortable emotions is to restrict. There have been maaaaaaany uncomfortable feelings (not bad!!) with this, but I knew I needed to eat.
- It’s ok to cry. If he had a dollar for every time I told him I don’t cry, he could quit working and buy a plane ticket to anywhere in the world. Every time he’d call me out on it. “It’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to cry. It’s human.” I tried so hard to hide it when we were talking, but I finally couldn’t. Curled up in his arms, I balled my eyes out. Full on ugly sob. And guess what? I survived!
- I’m ready. I don’t have a clear-cut plan for my life, but this forced me to think about it. Do I want to travel the world? Yes, it’d be a blast!! But for a couple years at most. I want to settle down. I want a place to call home, as well as someone to call home. I’m not scared to find someone to do that with.
I’m a strong believer in (clichés apparently) “if it’s meant to be it’ll be.” This wasn’t meant to be. We both wanted it to be. God did I want it to be. I asked myself a ton of questions. I pictured my life in 10 years. I pictured it being with him around the world. I tried to convince myself that I could do it. To convince myself I could do it. What kind of life is that? Not one I want to live, and I know one he wouldn’t want me to live either. I have to do what I need to do for myself and trust that, in the end, it’ll work out. There is a plan for me. I just may not know what it is yet. Until then, I take the incredible things I learned and memories I made and will keep making from him and keep working on myself.