Life f**king sucks sometimes. Sometimes there are things we can do about it, sometimes there aren’t. There’s not much you can do to prevent your body from needing food and water. However, on the other side, you can typically prevent a clogged toilet by multiple flushes or using less toilet paper. Let’s say that it couldn’t be stopped. Don’t lie, we’ve all had those poos. Something you ate didn’t agree with you, and it’s downhill from there. What do you do about it? Do you say, “screw it,” and wait for someone else to fix it, or do you get the plunger and plunge that shit out (pun intended)?
For a lot of people, if you aren’t where you want to be in life, you’re not happy. Now, those feelings of unhappiness can manifest into different things – positive things: determination to change, big decisions to move or quit a job or negative feelings: depression, addiction, etc. Every person has a different way of unclogging their toilet. My go to, regardless of the clog, is my eating disorder. When I’m unhappy, I turn to food and start binging. I can look back at every single one of my relapses or slip ups and can see a pattern of hurt or unhappiness beforehand. Instead of unclogging, I add more to it.
There are a lot of things that contributed to my relapse. Feeling lost was absolutely one of those. I’m a planner. That’s why I’m so good at events. I think of all the possible outcomes, ways to get somewhere, twists, turns and everything in between. I’ve learned a lot through recovery and treatment. One of the things I still haven’t mastered yet is to let life work itself out. Because it will. Every time I’ve been close on rent, I somehow always manage to get it paid. If I have a deadline of a paper, test, quiz and assignments, I always get them done. I instinctively reach for the plunger and get shit done. That’s just my personality when it comes to small things. When bigger life decisions come about, I, more often than not, wait for someone else to fix it. The thing is, though, there ain’t no one else to fix it. It’s my life, so I need to grab the damn plunger and start plunging.
I’m usually good at admitting when I’m struggling. Where I have more trouble is getting the help. I don’t like therapy, so I tend to try to do it without it. I feel like I created the clog, I need to fix it. That’s just not the case. Sometimes, everyone needs help with their clog. There would be a whole profession out of a job if that were the case! Me making the decision to go to treatment is me finally grabbing the plunger and getting to work. This isn’t the life I want to live. I’ve made it, at most, 5 days sober before I drink my feelings alone in my room. I don’t even remember the last day I didn’t binge. Food is my every thought. I’m getting my plunger and treatment is my plumber.
So tomorrow I start treatment #2. I’m weirdly excited because I want my life back. I’m deleting social media for the time being, but will continue to write in here! This is solid therapy for me, so why would I give it up! Later, friends!! 😊